34
Whenever exams are over, I'm always excited about two things. Firstly it's the holidays of course, and I would also want to know how I did in my papers. The harder the paper perceived, the more excited I am and those papers that I perceive to be easy, I'll always have high hopes.
This time was no exception. I had high hopes because I had thought some papers were easy. But I guess like old times, when I say a paper is easy, I'll never score well but when I say a paper is hard, I'll score better than I expect.
Yes, I have not done well this time. At all. Mostly Bs and C+s. In year 1, all I was thinking was to pass because it seemed to be such a hard thing before and it is still that way now but when ever I pass now, I don't feel as happy as before but I feel disappointed because I aren't getting better. I aren't getting any As.
I guess it's also pressure for doing week for the past sem. Reaching a GPA 3.0 for the semester made me just want more and when I don't get it, theres just disappointment. Even though there is disappointment, I feel even worse because I'm actually disappointed not because I'm not doing well in this, but it's because of what my parents would feel and say.
Once again, I'm caught in the hole where I don't know what I want or where to go. Even if there is slight interest, I've never wanted to be studying all these. Now the excuse I can give myself... is just to make my parents proud. A few days ago, I had a talk with my dad and my sis and he told me something that broke my heart but it really made me want to work hard for my parents. He told me that he was uncertain what I was doing the nights before exam. He was not convinced that I had studied and he would only see the effort put in through my results.
Putting it simply, if I score well, it means I did put in effort and studied like I really did those days that I slept late everyday. But if I did not score well, I was simply goofing off and lazying around, not caring about my results.
I'm not trying to criticise my father. But I feel that what he said was half true but sometimes I just wish he would be able to tell how much effort I have put in in all these just to make them proud. People are always saying that the results or the destination does not matter, its the journey and effort put in.
On the other hand, I guess I myself know how much effort I had put in in all these. And with my results that came out this way, I have no one to blame but myself.
I won't be thinking about all these again. I know I've to move on. What's done is done and nothing I do can change my results. All I can do is think positive and strive harder for the semestral examination.