Toxic

Remember the time when you told yourself "this is it, that is the person whom I want to spend the rest of my life with"? And it felt secure and safe when that person promises you that future that seemed so bright.

And suddenly it was all gone. 

False promises and a disillusioned future. 

Things you believed in slipping off your fingers. 

The very person whom you loved to share almost every single thought and moment in life gone. 

Suddenly all those love songs made hell lot of sense and it has become your life story.

I'll admit it, I was naive. I thought a relationship was not that complex. I believed that as long as two people loved each other, they can work out whatever that comes. But in the midst of all that, I forgot about the most important thing: LIFE. 

LIFE is an ever changing thing. As we grow up, we meet different people, jobs and life situations. These things force us to change (hopefully for the better) and some people move on faster than others. Soon that change may be the result of a distance built between you and the person you love. 

Feelings are never consistent. It's impossible to feel 100% devoted to someone all the time (I don't mean cheating, I mean the feeling of commitment). Well, because we're human. And the harsh reality may play a part to pull two people further from each other in that situation. 

It's a cruel world, but that's just how it still works in the end no matter how much we hate it. 

Most relationships end in tragedy. Two people who never ever want to meet again because the love they once felt became a wound so deep that they cannot get themselves to forgive. Or one may back out before the other. Or the worse scenario: one cheats. 

My Story....
When you talk about cheating, oh boy, it's a whole different thing. Cheating isn't always to touch or kiss or flirt. That moment when you know you feel something and you let yourself feel that way even when you're already with someone, you're already there. 

I'm not trying to sell myself as an almighty person but in every situation, I believe to see the good in people first. After being there the whole time to support him when his life spiraled downhill, I chose to believe that he would change for the better. People around me told me that it was already very clear what was going on and I may just be in denial because I'm soft-hearted. 

It took me a whole lot of mental preparation for what was to come but thank god for the lovely people around me who gave me never-ending support. It wasn't a pretty ending (lol why would it be when he cheated) but I would say that it turned out to be sweet revenge for me. 

If you have the balls to do it, then have the balls to own up. Sometimes it's really a wonder how far people are willing to lie in order to maintain their "reputation". And I believe that such people deserve to be exposed. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm over with all the things that ended the whole relationship. That "revenge" (that I'm not gonna expose) was the last straw because I did throw in many chances for him to own it. But I guess people can be really... stubborn.

If he had told me the truth, it would take some time, but I'll accept it as it is. But he was so hell bent on lying and covering everything up, well... he just fucked up the whole situation FOR HIMSELF.  

For the past (almost) 2 years, I had been looked down upon countless times. Being told that I was going to be forever unreliable and that I would never succeed. Not saying that I didn't make mistakes in the whole relationship, but I never realized how toxic it became. As these words came from someone whom I once deem so important in my life, it made me feel really shitty about myself.

But now that I look back, it doesn't affect me that much anymore. I learnt to even laugh at it. Because fuck what these people think. People who truly love you would never put you down and make you feel like that. These people are not worth it. Now that I'm free, I feel much more confident about myself again. 

I showed a dark side (only to a certain extent because I was still holding back) that I have never shown anyone before. That was how much I was pushed to after all the lies that were smacked on my face. People believed that I would cry and beg for him to stay. But guess what motherfuckers, I'm so much better than that. Honestly, I was also amazed at how strong I actually am. 

My mom told me something that really made sense now: walk down the road by yourself and never lean too much of your feelings to anyone else. Because, like it or not, there is always a possibility of people changing.

There is no more hate now. I mean, why for? It is unhealthy. I've learnt to take this hard moment as a lesson and I feel so much better and comfortable to be typing this right now. It took a lot of tears and pain but when you're standing up there on your own two feet again, you will know that it was all worth it. 

I don't regret either. I am glad that I put myself out there to love wholeheartedly. I remember reading this from an article: there is a difference between attachment and love (check it out here). It made a whole lot of sense because I knew that I was willing to let the relationship go back then. I didn't need to be together with him to love him. 

Loving him is to respect him and wanting the best for him, even if I'm no longer in the equation. Well that was until he fucked things up for himself by cheating and trying to cover it up. 

Despite losing something that I once deem so important in my life, I have grown so much. Maybe this is a lesson I have to go through for "the one" who is not in my life yet. Even if there isn't such a person to come, at least I love and believe in myself to go on stronger in life.